Day 16, 17 & 18

Hello blog. Sorry I haven't been in touch.

Just been relaxing the last few days. Only thing I have to do before Tuesday is go back to CARE on Monday to give another specimen. After that, I'm set for Tuesday.

I have to get to the hospital for 11:45am on Tuesday, and I can eat up until 7am that morning. I should be in and out in the same day, then my CT scan is booked for 10:30am the next Wednesday, the 21st.

So, just lots of waiting around until then. And it's kind of scary. Each night I can feel myself getting a little more uncomfortable, and each day I can feel it a little more swollen. I don't know if it's my imagination at this point or not.

I read a little of the help pamphlet by MacMillan that I was given at the hospital. I only managed a little before I closed it. I understand what cancer is, and I understand that I have it, and that I need an operation and possibly further care to get rid of it. However, it's entirely different when you read about it in technical but very simple terms, about how it might be benign and just be cells reproducing at an alarming rate contained in one area, or how it may be malignant and cells may break off and travel elsewhere to multiply, causing several tumors, and it's different again when you read about tumor markers and sizes and what stage I might be at now and where exactly in the testes the growth started.. it's all wondering without knowing, and therefore I always assume the worst.

I hope I can find out something on Tuesday at least, after the surgery. I hope they can tell me what size the tumor was, and what weight was removed from me. I don't know why, but I feel the weight is important. I guess I want to know how much of me I am losing. Even if most of it is cancerous, it started as a normal body part, and it's my own cells that have been reproducing. It's still a part of me.

It's still weird being back in the UK. I think I got more used to the USA than I thought. Even if it wasn't my own money, I was used to having a set income, and I was used to knowing how much semi-disposable income we had. I got used to actually doing things, even cheap things like seeing dollar movies or getting cheap bad-for-you food. I think I even got used to the loud white noise of the air conditioner while trying to sleep.

Some of my online friends banded together to buy me a game on Steam, which I appreciate. It feels weird, people don't get me random gifts very often, but I do enjoy the sentiment. Hopefully it'll keep me busy during recovery.

Speaking of which, I don't know how long recovery is? The surgery involves cutting into my abdomen and uh.. fishing stuff out through there, so I don't know which part will hurt. It's odd not knowing what to expect. But I'm not scared. I feel like I should be, but I'm not scared.. of the surgery. Of losing a part of me, yes. Of the physical act of doing so, no.

Maybe I'll be scared come Tuesday morning.